Remember to Breathe
by Cynamin
Summary: A song and unexpected memories send Buffy to L.A. to talk to Angel...but she runs into Angelus instead.


# Remember to Breathe

### By [Cynamin][1]

Disclaimers: I don't own them. You did know that, right? The song "Breathe" is by Faith Hill.   
Spoilers: Surprise, it's another IWRY fic! Sigh…someday I'm going to run out of ideas. Takes place at the end of "Superstar" and "Eternity."   
Distribution: My sites. Anyone who has permission for my other stories can have this, too, just let me know if you want it. As for anyone else? Ask. I haven't said no yet.   
Notes: Someone suggested a challenge a while ago that I didn't save and no one actually answered it. But the basic plot idea was interesting, so that's where this is from. I started writing this after a couple of days of mostly depressing fics. Therapeutic fluff! Oh, and I loaned the tape with "Superstar" and "Eternity" on it to NutMeg and don't have it back yet, so I'm just going from what I remember.   
Special thanks to my brother for buying me the CD. :) 

* * *

### Part One

"I remember," Buffy said softly. She watched as Jonathan nodded and walked away. The last couple of days felt like a very strange dream that she was just waking up from. The false memories were fading quickly, but for the moment she remembered what Jonathan said. She tried to grasp that memory and keep it from slipping away before she had a chance to really think bout it. 

/I'll never forget. I'll never forget…/ 

Buffy jumped. She had no idea where that had come from. There was more going on here…. She shook it off and turned to look at her friends. Somehow she was unable to concentrate on what they were saying. She was hearing what Jonathan had said about her and Riley…. 

Something about an incredible connection? That she felt he should have known the difference between her and Faith. It was vague now, but she remembered that much. 

Joining her friends, she forced a smile. Was Jonathan right about them? Maybe. So she met their greetings, smiling, fighting off the unease creeping into her soul. 

The unease caused by the knowledge that there was someone out there who'd know the difference between her and Faith no matter what face she wore. 

The unease of memory sneaking up one her. 

* * *

Returning to her dorm room some hours later, Buffy fought the feelings that had been appearing out of no where, sweeping up on her without warning. She had tried to take Jonathan's advice to heart, tried to speak with Riley, tried to come to a reconciliation…and then it came again. 

/I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget…/ 

This time it had been more than just the words, her own voice choked with tears sounding in her mind. This time there had been sensation too; tears running down her cheeks, strong and familiar arms around her, breath stirring her hair, their tears mingling… Buffy had bolted from Riley's room without an explanation. 

It was overwhelming her. 

Buffy was shaking slightly when she opened the door to her dorm room. Completely oblivious to her entrance, Willow was folding laundry and singing loudly with the stereo. 

"…the slow and steady rush. And baby isn't that the way love's supposed to be? I can feel you breathe. Just breathe!" 

/Their tears mingling, his breath whispering in her ear… "Please, please…"/ 

Buffy sat down heavily, making her bed squeak, and Willow jumped. She spun in surprise, then smiled sheepishly as she turned off the radio. 

"Hey. I didn't hear you come in." 

"I noticed." 

Buffy tried to keep her voice neutral, but some of her emotional state must have leaked through, because Willow stopped folding laundry and sat across from her. 

"What's wrong?" 

Buffy sighed. She didn't know what was wrong. She didn't know how to explain it. "Have you suddenly ever had…a flash of memory in the middle of the day that is completely disjointed from everything else? Like a dream that you don't remember when you first wake up but suddenly comes back to you in pieces?" 

"The whole Jonathan thing is confusing to everyone," Willow said in understanding. 

"No, it's not that…at least, I don't think it has any connection…" Buffy tried to explain, but she knew from Willow's face that she wouldn't be able to explain what she didn't understand herself. Was it just a dream? Was it from the Jonathan-verse? Or was it something else entirely? She changed the subject instead. "That song you were singing when I came in. What is it?" 

Willow didn't comment on the abrupt subject change. She'd noticed it, certainly, but if Buffy didn't want to talk about it she wouldn't press. "Oh, I *love* that song! You've never heard it? They play it on the soft rock stations a lot." 

"I stopped listening to the soft rock stations after Kathy," Buffy said wryly, referring to her demon roommate and her love for Cher and Celine Dion. 

Willow laughed. "Gotcha. Well, it's Faith Hill…and I don't usually like country, but the song is so pretty, so I recorded it off the radio. It's called 'Breathe.'" 

"I like it," Buffy said with a smile. "Well, the little bit I heard. It reminds me of…" She stopped then. What exactly did it remind her of? 

"I'm glad you and Riley worked things out," Willow said with a grin, jumping to conclusions. After all, who else could the song remind her of? The other…made no sense. 

"Yeah," Buffy said, and this time Willow didn't notice her distracted tone of voice. 

Willow was in motion again, folding the last of her laundry and putting it away. "I've got class," she said shortly. She looked back at Buffy again, and something in her gaze must have warned Willow there was something wrong. Or maybe it was her shaking hands. "Are you sure you're okay?" 

Buffy nodded. "I'm fine. Go - you don't want to be late to class." 

With one last look of concern and a nod, Willow walked from the room. 

Buffy sighed and lay down heavily on her bed. The truth was, she wasn't okay. There was something very wrong…she just couldn't figure out what it was. It wasn't something new, either. Or it was, just…like an old injury whose discomfort she'd just been made aware of again. 

And that song…the little bit she'd heard…it hadn't reminded her of Riley, not at all. Not that it didn't fit…or maybe that was exactly it. It didn't fit him. Ignoring the whole "breathe" thing, there was an…Angel-ness to the song. 

There, she'd said it. Or thought it. She'd thought his name. That wasn't so hard, was it? 

/"If we let something happen here, we'd want more. And nothing's changed. We'd only end up having to leave each other again."/ 

Buffy sat up with a noise of frustration. She felt…antsy. Like she wanted to crawl out of her own skin. What the *hell* was this? If it was nighttime she'd go out and slay to get this feeling out of her system, but she couldn't. Not right now. All she could do was pace the room, her nervous energy building instead of leaving her. She certainly didn't have the presence of mind at the moment to get any school work done. 

Buffy stopped her pacing in front of the stereo. Part of her stilled for the moment. What had it been about that song? What about it had set this off? No, it wasn't the song - she'd been feeling like this ever since she had spoken to Jonathan and tried to hold on to the memories of that other world. But what was bothering her had nothing to do with Jonathan. 

Was it Angel? After the months had gone by, why had she suddenly thought of him again? Nothing good ever came of it, after all. So why did that song seem to fit so well? Why had it made her think of him? 

Almost without thinking about it, Buffy reached out to press rewind on the tape that Willow had left. Perhaps…there were some answers here. Somehow she knew…she couldn't explain it. The answers were here. Or maybe they were inside, they just needed *this* to come out. 

The tape stopped rewinding and Buffy pressed play. After a moment of silence she listened to the lone guitar's sweet melody. She sat back on the bed, letting the tune fill her. There was a sweetness to it, a sense of peace. Sweet Riley had plenty of, but this was something more…something that she couldn't even name. 

_"I can feel the magic floating in the air   
Being with you gets me that way   
I watch the sunlight dance across your face and I, oh I've   
Never been this swept away."_

Buffy blinked…that's exactly what she was…swept away. The words filled her, and images came with them. No, this was memory… 

/She walked the pier alone. Cordelia said Angel had killed the demon. So that was it? She was expected to just go away now? She felt lost, adrift…alone. 

And then the feeling came, that sense that belonged to Angel and Angel alone. But it made no sense. She spun, trying to find why she felt him here…and the she saw him. He stepped out from beneath the shade and fully into the sunlight. He walked towards her, practically glowing in the sunlight - a place she'd never seen him in except in her dreams. 

Not speaking, he caught her in his arms, and they kissed. It was without fear, and Buffy relaxed into it, letting the passion carry them both away and leaving them both breathless…/ 

_"All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze   
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms   
The world just fades away and the only thing I hear   
Is the beating of your heart."_

/Buffy was lying in Angel's bed, his arms around her, their legs comfortably tangled. She rested her head on his chest and smiled. 

"It's a good sound," she said softly, her hand pressed over his heart. "Thump thump. Thump thump." 

Angel smiled back at her - a genuine smile, free of pain and guilt. "It feels pretty amazing." 

"I'm so glad we didn't logic ourselves out of this. We'll make it work, right?" 

Angel held her a little tighter. "We will," he assured her./ 

_"And I can feel you breathe, it's washing over me   
Suddenly I'm melting into you   
There's nothing left to prove, baby all we need is just to be   
Caught up in the touch, the slow and steady rush   
And baby isn't that the what love's supposed to be?   
I can feel you breathe   
Just breathe."_

It was all jumbled, out of order, but slowly Buffy was understanding it. Finally, she was beginning to see… 

/They were standing in Angel's kitchen, a new sort of tension between them. Her head insisted he was right; take it slow, be mature…but her heart screamed otherwise. 

Angel stepped closer to her. "We stay in touch. Just not…" 

"Literally. Funny." But it wasn't funny, not at all, and Buffy was in serious danger of becoming lost in his eyes. She stood and walked by him. "Okay, I'd better…" 

"Right. Remove the temptation." Angel's reply was sort of breathless. 

Buffy turned to look at him again. "So, we'll talk soon." She gently placed her hand on top of his on the counter. 

That was all it took for their resolve to crumble. He clasped her hand in his, and then their lips were meeting in a kiss full of the passion they hadn't dared express in the last year. It was so intense it made her stumble, and him with her until she felt the fridge against her back. She jumped up, wrapping her legs around his waist and continuing to kiss him hungrily. He met her intensity, carrying her a couple of steps more. Vaguely Buffy heard a crash, and then they were on the kitchen table…/ 

_"In a way I know my heart is waking up   
As all the walls come tumbling down   
Closer than I've ever felt before and I know and you know   
There's no need for words right now."_

Buffy was barely aware of the words anymore, lost as she was in the memories. Still, she heard them. *So that's what's been wrong…* 

/Angel was grinning in delight as he sat in bed next to her. She wore his robe, but he wore nothing at all…which was more than all right with her. There was food piled in bed with them. 

"The prefect yum," Buffy said, smiling as she surveyed the food. Angel grinned as he spoon fed her some ice cream. "Mmm, this is a dream! You're human for like a minute and already there is cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip in the fridge." 

"God, I love food." 

His enthusiasm was infectious. He was almost childish in his wonder at discovering tastes again. Buffy scooped some peanut butter onto a piece of chocolate and fed it to him in turn. "Food is good." She kissed him briefly and tasted the chocolate in his mouth. 

"Why didn't you ever tell me about chocolate and peanut butter?" Angel asked when they pulled apart. 

"Well, I figured if your vamp taste buds couldn't really savor it, then it would only hurt you, you know?" She scooted closer to him. "By the way, I'm over the whole needing to be mature thing. That time you just spent in the kitchen? That was enough time apart." 

"Too much, Angel agreed, smiling. His smile was a rare and precious thing in the past. Now it seemed he couldn't stop smiling. Buffy loved it and leaned forward to kiss him again. 

It was becoming passionate when Angel broke off suddenly. The spoonful of ice cream that had been forgotten in his hand had dripped messily onto his chest. "Okay," Angel said with a touch of amusement. "Mortal coordination leaving something to be desired." 

Buffy smiled mischievously. "Wrong. It's just right." Proving her statement, she liked it off his bare chest. 

Angel laughed, amused and delighted. Buffy could probably count all the times that he had laughed on one hand, and it had never sounded so free. Then he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a kiss once again…/ 

_"And I can feel you breathe, it's washing over me   
Suddenly I'm melting into you   
There's nothing left to prove, baby all we need is just to be   
Caught up in the touch, the slow and steady rush   
And baby isn't that the way love's supposed to be?   
I can feel you breathe   
Just breath."_

/They were lying in bed together, tired, content. Buffy had never felt a peace quite like this. "I want to stay awake," Buffy explained softly, "so this day can keep happening." 

Angel kissed her lightly on the forehead. "Sleep," he whispered. "We'll make another one like it tomorrow." 

Buffy cuddled into Angel's loose embrace, sleep coming for her quickly. She marveled at the heat of his body, the beat of his heart…. It lulled her. "Angel?" she said. "This is the first time I ever really felt this way." 

"What way?" 

"Just like I always wanted to," Buffy clarified. "Like a normal girl, falling asleep in the arms of her normal boyfriend. It's perfect." 

Perfect…/ 

_"Caught up in the touch, the slow and steady rush   
And baby isn't that the way love's supposed to be?   
I can feel you breathe   
Just breathe."_

Still the images came…tears and joy… It swept Buffy away…. 

_"I can feel the magic floating in the air   
Being with you gets me that way."_

The last of the notes faded away, and Buffy blinked back to reality. She was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to the empty space on the tape. She could feel the tears that had run down her cheeks and now dried there. Her mind sought wildly to grasp the images and emotions that she had seen, experienced. She tried to make them coherent, to understand these…memories? 

She didn't understand, not at all. Was it just a dream? Some extremely vivid, waking dream? Was her mind trying to tell her something about her future…or even her present? Or were these actually some sort of memory, true but for some reason gone? 

One thing was certain; whether memory, dream, or metaphor, those moments were *real.* The most real thing she'd felt in a long while. It was like a veil had suddenly been lifted from before her eyes and she could now see her own life laid bare. Like the song had said, "In a way I can feel my heart is waking up." 

For the first time in months, Buffy Anne Summers was awake. 

* * *

Willow returned to her room after class to find Buffy gone and the stereo still playing blank tape. She looked about the room curiously. The lights had been left on, and there were clothes all over Buffy's bed. For a moment Willow thought Buffy was probably in the bathroom and about to come back. Then she took a closer look. Buffy's school books were still there, but her closet was open and several outfits were missing. So were a couple of Buffy's choice weapons from her slaying trunk. Her jewelry box had been left open as well. 

For a moment Willow panicked. Had something horrible happened to someone that Buffy had to run off and deal with? Or had her emotional state - whatever was bothering Buffy earlier - been worse than Willow had thought and she'd run away again? 

She had almost run out of 'what ifs' when her eyes fell upon a piece of paper taped to her computer monitor. She snatched it up so fast it almost tore. 

"Willow," it read, the handwriting hurried. 

"I'm sorry to run out on you like this. I know I probably gave you quite a scare. I've borrowed Mom's car - you wouldn't believe some of the excuses I came up with - and am driving to L.A. as you read this." 

Willow nearly jumped at that. L.A? But L.A. was…. 

"Yes, I'm going to see Angel. Now, before you get mad or do anything impulsive, let me explain. Actually, let me back up. Remember what I was saying earlier about flashes of forgotten dreams? Well, I was getting these…memory flashes, and I wasn't able to figure out what they were until after you left. Then…they were just so clear! 

"It was Angel and I, and we were together. And he was human, Will! It was so vivid - I mean, I could feel the warmth of his skin and hear his heartbeat. I don't know what it means, or what the flashes are, but I know one thing. They're important, and I have to go to L.A. Maybe Angel will have the answers I need. 

"But don't be mad, Will. I know others will be, but… This is the first time in months that I've done something that just felt *right.* 

"I'll call you from L.A, 

"Buffy" 

For a moment Willow sat without moving, trying to make some sense of the words Buffy had written. Part of her was shocked that Buffy would even think of Angel like that anymore after he'd hurt her so much. And she had Riley now! Did she still think about Angel now that she had someone normal? 

But then she had to remember how Buffy and Angel had once been, together, before anything had gotten in the way. It had seemed so romantic back then. Could it be like that again? 

Finally, Willow had to ask herself something. If she knew where Oz was, if there was suddenly nothing standing between them…would she return to him? Would she want to try again? The question wasn't as hard to answer as she thought. If the love was true, who was she to get in the way? Shouldn't she instead do all she could to help it along? 

She picked up the phone and dialed quickly. "Tara? You up to some wicca-work tonight? I was hoping you could help me help some friends…" 

* * *

### Part Two

Buffy was quite proud of herself that she never had to pull over on the road to L.A. Not that the memory flashes didn't keep coming, but they were less defined. She was better able to keep herself under control when they were like that. It took her longer to get to L.A. than usual, though. Still, the new memories remained vague. It was like there was a movie on that she wasn't really paying attention to. She was hearing just enough bits and pieces to get an idea of the story. 

/She woke up and was surprised to find that she was alone in the bed. She'd gone upstairs to try and find Angel, but found Cordelia instead. She was less than helpful. 

"You know, I'm in real pain here and all you can do is talk about Angel," she was saying. "Has it even occurred to you how this whole turning human thing might effect me?" 

"Regrettably - no," Buffy replied, annoyed. "Look, if you know where he is, just tell me?" 

Cordelia sighed. "He told me not to tell you." 

A tinge of fear crept up on Buffy. "Is he in trouble?" 

Cordelia shot her a look but said nothing. 

"Cordelia, what are we, in second grade here? Tell me!" 

"Oh, you want to talk about being mature?" Cordelia replied angrily. "Maybe it's time that *you* grew up and realized that you can't have anything. You can't have Angel and save the world. And anyway, it's your fault that he went to fight that thing by himself without…" 

The sense of dread grew. "What thing?"/ 

It was long after dark when Buffy finally arrived at the office of Angel Investigations. It was completely dark inside, but that was to be expected. And anyway, Angel's apartment was in the basement if anything she remembered was true. The only thing was, would he let anyone in this late? 

She parked her mom's car on the street out front and sat in silence. She'd come all this way, and now she'd suddenly lost the nerve to go the last couple of steps. But she had to. Inside was Angel. Inside were answers. 

Buffy was surprised to find the front door unlocked and she swung it open cautiously. She was greeted by a scene she never would have expected - it was something from her nightmares. It was chaos. 

A hysterical woman cowered to one side of the room, the blood speckling her face and clothes clear even in the dark office. Wesley lay crumpled in a far corner, conscious but obviously dazed. Cordelia held a bottle of water menacingly - or defensively - before her. And in the middle of it stood Angel, his voice cold and mocking, his vampiric features twisted in a sneer. 

Angelus. 

Buffy fought back the hurt that sprang up at seeing him like this. Angel was a loving and sensitive man, even dead. Angelus was an evil, powerful, and extremely cruel vampire. Right now she needed to make sure he was no longer a danger to anyone. Later she could cry over how he'd gotten this way. 

"Hello, lover," Buffy said loudly and clearly, interrupting Angelus' last tirade. 

The vampire turned and smiled at her coldly. "Well, what a surprise, Buff. This visit is certainly the last thing I expected. What mission of anger brings you here this time?" 

"Oh, the usual," Buffy replied just as coldly. 

Angelus shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Saves me the trouble of having to track you down." 

"Aw, I'm flattered," Buffy replied, stepping further into the office. "Still thinking about me?" 

"What can I say, you've been on my mind," the vampire replied mockingly. "Can't say the same for your mind, though." 

"What does that mean?" Buffy asked darkly. She clutched the stake in her pocket. 

"Oh, you know exactly what I mean. Tell me, how long was I gone before you were in someone else's bed? And after him? Who is your college boy toy now, huh? The blond one, rather bland? Or have you replaced him by now, too?" 

"You have no idea what you're talking about," Buffy nearly growled. "You left me. You wanted me to find someone normal. So you know what? I did." 

"Normal, huh?" Angelus sneered. "You got that, alright. Boring too. I just never expected you to forget your 'dear sweet Angel' so fast. But then, I guess you're really good at forgetting." 

If Buffy paled, it wasn't visible in the darkened office. "What are you talking about?" she asked, her voice just above a harsh whisper. 

"*I'll never forget, I'll never forget,*" he mocked. "But then, I guess the second time isn't nearly as memorable as the first. Or the third time, for that matter." 

Wesley sprang up from where he was crouching then, catching the vampire completely off guard. He tackled Angelus and sent him crashing into the elevator shaft. The vampire fell and did not get up. 

The office was silent then…too silent and too dark. Buffy suddenly realized she was trembling. She wanted to sit down, maybe even cry for a while, but she couldn't. Not until this was over…one way or another. 

"Buffy…" Wesley's hand was on her arm and she jumped. 

She glared at him, her teeth clenched. "What the *hell* happened?" 

Wesley flinched. Buffy felt a bit guilty for taking out her pain on Wesley. Only a bit though. 

It was Cordelia who replied. "Ask *her,*" she said with surprising venom, gesturing at the other woman in the room. 

Buffy spun on the third woman. She looked terrified, but Buffy didn't care. She was also rather pretty, and looked vaguely familiar to Buffy. Had Angel slept with this woman? He wouldn't, would he? Break the curse like that? "What did you do," Buffy asked, her voice dangerous. 

"I…" the woman said, shock making her speechless. 

"She drugged him," Cordelia provided. 

Buffy glared at the woman. She pulled out her stake threateningly. "Get out," she snarled. 

"I…" 

"She said 'Get out,'" Wesley reiterated. Faced by their three angry stares, she fled the office. 

Cordelia sighed. "There goes our first - and likely only - celebrity client," she said. 

Buffy just looked at her blankly. 

"Come on, then," Wesley said, walking towards the stairs into the basement apartment. "Let's deal with Angel before he wakes up." 

Buffy looked blankly at the stake in her hands as she followed him. Could she do it? Could she kill the demon that wore Angel's face? 

Wesley must have realized what she was thinking as she came to stand beside him, for he placed a hand on her hand with the stake. "There's no need for that," he said softly. 

Buffy just blinked at him. 

"He hasn't lost his soul," Wesley explained. "Angel is still there." 

"So, what?" Buffy asked in angry confusion. "He just decided to let his demon out to play?" 

"No," Wesley explained, "it was the drug he was given. It…simulates bliss. Happiness." 

"Oh," Buffy said softly. 

They had reached the bottom of the stairs. "Buffy, help me get Angel to his room. Cordelia, get the chains." 

Cordelia looked like she was about to retort, but then decided better and went to follow orders. For Buffy's part, she had nothing to say either. She was trying not to concentrate on the situation she had stumbled into. Trying not to think about Angel unconscious in her arms as she and Wesley carried him between them. Her distractions were no better, though. 

There was Angel's apartment. When she had the chance to look around, she knew the place too well. It was exactly like she had dreamt of it. Every corner, every piece of furniture…she even knew what Angel's bedroom looked like before she entered it. It was too real. 

Her mind traced back to her 'conversation' with Angelus only minutes before. All of those words about forgetting… She knew that Angel's feelings existed somewhere within those cruel words. What *was* he trying to say to her? 

/I'll never forget./ 

Buffy nearly dropped Angel onto his bed. The words, the thoughts, the apartment, the *bed*…she *knew.* She remembered. 

/Buffy heard Angel's steps on the stairs down to his apartment. She waited for his to appear, worried and tense. Where had he been? It only got worse when she finally saw him. He was tired, bruised, but the look on his face… 

"I'm guessing that expression isn't because they were out of fresh O.J. at the deli," Buffy tried to quip. It fell very flat. "What happened?" 

"Nothing happened. I just…" 

Buffy knew there was something on his mind; she would always know. "Where have you been?" 

"I went to see the Oracles," he explained. "I asked them to turn me back." 

It hit Buffy like a punch in the stomach. "What? Why?" 

Angel stepped closer to her. "Because more than ever I know how much I love you." 

Buffy backed away. He wouldn't… He *couldn't*… "No. No, you didn't." 

Angel followed her. He was eager to make her understand. "And if I stayed mortal one of us would windup dead, maybe both of us. You heard what Mohra said," he continued. 

Buffy didn't want to understand. "Mohra is dead. We killed him." 

"He said others would come." 

"They always come," Buffy cried. Hadn't they had this conversation before? "And they always will. But that's my problem now, not your, remember?" 

"No," Angel said. "I won't just stand by and let you fight, maybe die, alone." 

"Then we fight together," Buffy tried. 

"You saw what happened last night," Angel objected. "If anything I'm a liability to you. You take chances to protect me, and that's not just bad for you, it's bad for the people we were meant to help." 

"So what?" she said angrily. "You just took a whole twenty-four hours to weigh the ups and downs of being a regular Joe and decided it was more fun being a super hero?" 

"You know that's not it. How can we be together if the cost is your life, or the lives of others?" He reached out to hold her gently. "I know. I couldn't tell you. I wasn't sure…if I could do it if I woke up with you one more morning." 

Buffy sniffled. "I understand," she said. But did she really? It was too sudden to tell. "So what happens now?" 

"The Oracles are giving us back the day, turning back time so I can kill Mohra before his blood makes me mortal." 

"When?" A day, please, one more of this happiness. An hour… 

Angel pulled away slightly to look at the clock. "Another minute." 

"A minute?" Buffy could feel the tears beginning, the horrible sobs. "No. No, it's not enough time!" 

"We don't have a choice." She could hear the pain in Angel's voice too. "It's done." 

"How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing what we had? What we could have had?" It was unimaginable. 

"You won't. No one will know but me." 

"Everything we did," Buffy sobbed. 

"It never happened." 

Buffy shook her head in denial. She couldn't believe what he was saying…what was happening. "It did. It did. I know it did!" She placed a hand on his chest, over his heart. She could feel the movement of his breath, his warmth… "I felt your heartbeat," she whispered. 

"Buffy…" Angel said in despair. Their lips met in a panicked, passionate kiss. Their last one…? 

Buffy looked at the clock when they broke apart. The second hand moved steadily around, oblivious to her anguish. "No! Oh god," she sobbed. "It's not enough time." 

Angel held her tightly, his clasp desperate. "Shh, please. Please…" he tried to sooth her. He was crying too, though, their tears mingling on her cheeks. "Please, please." 

"No," Buffy sobbed. She held onto him desperately, but she was also holding onto her memories, their happiness… "I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget…"/ 

When her mind cleared again, she was sitting on the chair next to Angel's bed. Her heart was pounding and her breath was racing. Angel was already chained up, practically a mummy encased in metal and rope. Cordelia was standing in front of her, saying something. 

"Huh?" Buffy said, blinking. 

"I asked what you were doing here," Cordelia said, annoyed. "God, where were you just now?" 

"Believe it or not, I was here," Buffy muttered. 

Cordelia just looked at her. "Do I have to ask a third time?" 

Buffy sighed. "I've been…having dreams. Memory flashes. And…I need to talk to Angel about them." 

"What sort of…dreams?" Cordelia asked, bewildered. 

Buffy supposed it was rather odd to come all the way here based on a dream. She hadn't wanted to say anymore, but… "I remember." 

Cordelia blinked at her. "When did you start taking lessons from Cryptic Guy? Remember what?!" 

Had Angel never told anyone? Or had she - god forbid - actually imagined all of this. She was so *sure* it was real. "Cordelia, I *remember.*" 

"You remember…? Oh! You *remember.*" She gestured towards Angel. 

Buffy nodded. 

"Are you mad at him?" Cordelia asked. "Because I don't want to deal with his brooding after you leave. Or, any more than usual, that is." 

Buffy thought for a second. "No, I'm not mad at him," she said. "Actually, I was hoping that this might be a…good visit." Was that an impossible hope? 

Cordelia smiled a touch sadly. "Good luck." 

There was a silence between them for a long moment. "I have to call Willow," Buffy said suddenly, standing. 

Cordelia put a hand on her arm. "Wesley said he'll be back to normal when the drug wears off," she said. Then in a softer tone, "If not…I promised Angel I'd kill him if he ever…" 

Buffy looked back at her seriously. "Then let's just hope it doesn't come to that." 

* * *

"So there's no way to fix the curse?" Willow said in dismay. 

Tara leaned back against the wall and shook her head. "It's a curse," she explained. "Curses break…that's part of being a curse. Like…Beauty and the Beast, his curse would break if he ever was loved by someone." 

"Then…is there some way we could get around that, maybe? Another way attach his soul?" Willow suggested. 

Again Tara looked dismayed. "Look at it this way," she said. "When a body dies, the soul is released. A soul has no way to hold onto a dead body. And vampires are…dead, right?" 

Willow nodded. "So the curse is the only thing keeping his soul here." 

"Right. And how about this…it might explain the…loophole," Tara said. "Which would you say is stronger, a happy soul or a sad one?" 

"A happy one," Willow said without hesitation. 

"So maybe…. His soul, when happy, has the strength to break free of the unnatural situation it's in." 

"Being attached to a dead body," Willow clarified, nodding slightly. It made sense. But there had to be some way… 

The phone rang, interrupting her thoughts. She climbed over the papers and books to get to the phone, all the while gesturing at Tara to be quite and wait for her. Willow nearly knocked the phone off the table when she reached it on its third ring. "Hello?" she said, picking it up, a bit breathless. "Buffy?" she asked after she didn't get an immediate answer. 

"Yeah, it's me, Will," came the familiar voice of her roommate. 

"Thank god! I was so worried…I got back to the room and you weren't here! And then you said you'd call, but it was hours and you hadn't called and…" Willow babbled in a bit of a panic. 

"Sorry," Buffy said softly. "I...stumbled into a bit of a situation here." 

"Oh," Willow said, not exactly relieved. "Are you alright? Are you in L.A…with Angel?" 

"Yeah, I'm with Angel," Buffy said, her voice odd. 

"Did you…talk to him about your…dreams or whatever?" 

"Um, he sort of can't talk right now," Buffy explained. Before Willow could say anything though, Buffy continued, her voice suddenly animated. "But I remembered, Will. What I was seeing…it was real." 

"What?!" Willow asked. Of all the things she expected to hear, that wasn't it. "Huh? How? I mean…are you sure?" 

"Pretty sure," Buffy said with certainty. "I had a lot of time to think on the way here. And…when I got here… It's exactly like I remember it, Willow. His apartment…even though part of me says I've never been here before. But now…I remember everything now." 

"And he was human?" Willow asked with a gasp. 

"Yeah," Buffy said softly. "Yeah, he was." 

"But…he's not human now…right?" 

"Right," Buffy said with a sigh. "He was too weak to fight and…and he thought I would get hurt…or killed. Or others would. So…he got time turned back. Only he would remember so he could stop the same thing from happening again…. Except I do remember…. Oh god." 

"You alright?" 

"Yeah, I'm okay," Buffy said very softly. "It's just…all sort of hitting me right now. I'm…I guess I'm in shock." 

Willow said nothing for a moment, uncertain of what to say. "Uh, Buffy? Can I ask something?" 

Buffy hesitated. "Alright." 

"If…if you could, would you get back together with Angel? I mean, even with the whole vampire thing, and the curse, and everything?" 

Buffy sighed. "If you asked me this morning, I would have said no without even thinking about it. But I had a lot of time to think tonight," she said. "All I ever wanted from Angel from himself. I'll take him any way I can get him. But now…maybe it can't be. Maybe it's too dangerous for everyone when we're involved. That doesn't stop me from wanting him…us, though." 

Willow thought for a second before she continued. "And…if the curse wasn't a problem? Or if he was human?" 

"In a heartbeat," Buffy said quickly. "But it won't work. Being human…we've already proven that won't work." She sighed again. "I want everything, Willow. Instead I've ended up with nothing." 

"You've got Riley," Willow said softly, a touch of hesitation in her voice. 

Buffy cursed under her breath. "I forgot about him." 

"I noticed. So what are you going to do?" 

"I'm…I'm going to try and work something out here. I have to." 

"And Riley?" 

"Willow," Buffy began to explain, "Riley…he's like vanilla ice cream. Good, perhaps, but not much to it. Angel, he's…he's cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip. All sorts of interesting bits and pieces." 

"It'll rot your teeth," Willow said with a chuckle. 

"Maybe," Buffy said, her tone suddenly light hearted, "but I'll love every minute of it." 

Willow chuckled. "Well, you'd better get some rest. You'll call me tomorrow and tell me when you're coming back?" 

"Yes, Mother," Buffy said jokingly. After a moment she said more seriously, "Thanks for understanding." 

"Always," Willow replied, and listened as the phone clicked off. Hanging up the phone, she turned to look at Tara again. She sighed. "What were we saying?" 

"That vampires are dead." 

"Right," Willow remembered. "Tara…I really want to do something for the two of them. I mean, someone deserves to live happily ever after, right?" 

Tara smiled. "You're a good friend, Willow." 

* * *

### Part Three

Buffy didn't sleep very well that night. She wasn't that comfortable on Angel's couch, but she was even less comfortable leaving Angel alone. Too much had happened this night for her to rest easy anyway. Actually, it felt like she had just fallen asleep when Cordelia and Wesley returned the next morning. Maybe she had. 

"Rise and shine!" Cordelia called as she came down the stairs. 

Buffy groaned and tried to hide her head under the blanket. "What time is it? It's too early." 

"We wanted to get here early to…check on Angel," Wesley explained. "Then we'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you have much to talk about." 

"But no touchy feely!" Cordelia interrupted. 

"No problem," Buffy said, sitting up. She ran a hand through her hair. It was a mess, but there was nothing she could do about it at the moment. "I don't suppose Angel's got any real food here? I didn't get much in the way of dinner." 

"If he's himself this morning and you're nice to him, he might make you some eggs," Cordelia said, smiling. "He's not a bad cook." 

"Really?" Buffy said, raising an eyebrow. Why didn't she know this? There had always been a lot she didn't know about Angel, but she had never felt so out of place in his life. *Why did I come here, anyway?* 

She must have said that out loud, because Cordelia came and stood next to her. "If there's any justice in the world, it'll work out," she said. Buffy looked at her in surprise. "Hey, I'm not oblivious! I've seen how he misses you. He won't say anything about it, but he does. He spends all his time making sure everyone else is happy, but he's miserable." She stood up. "Just get yourself cleaned up. You're a mess. Let things work themselves out from there." 

Buffy stayed where she was sitting until both Cordelia and Wesley had gone into Angel's room. She stood slowly, stretching, and picked up the bag she had brought in last night. Luckily she had enough presence of mind to pack before she'd torn out of Sunnydale. She made her way to the bathroom to freshen up. It was hard to get her hair neat without a mirror, but she thought she managed pretty well. 

She leaned over the sink, trying to think. What exactly was she going to do? She'd come down here because she thought Angel might have the answers to her dreams. Now she had the answers…so what now? As much as she didn't want to admit it, Angel's reasons for leaving weren't exactly wrong. She might not agree with them, but they were hard to argue with. 

There was only one conclusion Buffy had made - she wanted to make things between her and Angel work. She wasn't going to leave him this time without a fight. She'd told Willow one thing that had remained true at all times; she'd take Angel any way she could get him. 

She emerged from the bathroom with renewed purpose. Cordelia and Wesley were gone as far as she could tell, but Angel was awake as evidenced by his muffled voice. And back to his old self if Cordelia and Wesley had left him alone. 

"Hello? Anyone?" his voice called from the bedroom. "Look, I said I was sorry!" 

Buffy chuckled to herself. *They must have left him chained up. All the more fun for me.* 

* * *

Willow yawned. She and Tara had been up all night, pouring over spell books and anything else that might be relevant. In the early dawn hours they might have finally found a solution. They'd done all they could for now; whether it worked they would have to wait and see. 

"Is there nothing else we can do?" Willow asked, mostly to herself. She was staring at the large crystal lying quiescent in front of them. 

"We've done our part," Tara said. "It's up to them to do theirs. Get some rest - I'll see you later." 

"Sure," Willow said as Tara left the room. *Just as soon as I know if this worked.* 

* * *

Angel blinked in surprise at the sight that greeted him a couple of moments later. There was Buffy, her eyes twinkling in amusement, leaning casually in the doorway. 

"Of all the fantasies I ever had involving you," she said, "I never thought I'd see you like this." 

"Buffy…" Angel said, to bothering to hide his shock. 

"That's it? No 'hello Buffy?' No 'nice to see you, Buffy?'" Her voice was surprisingly light. 

"Hello, Buffy," he barely managed. "I…I thought I saw you last night, but…" 

"Yeah, well, you weren't exactly yourself last night," Buffy said, coming into the room. 

Angel flinched. "I'm sorry," he said yet again. 

"Don't be. What you said…it was true." 

He was decidedly uncomfortable. Being here, last night's embarrassing events, Buffy being here…plus there were the chains. "Um, if we're going to have this conversation…could you please untie me?" 

"I don't think so," Buffy said, smiling slightly. "It's not very often I have a captive audience." 

"Buffy…" 

Her smile faded. "No, let me talk Angel. I…I need to get some things off my chest, alright?" 

"Alright." 

She sighed and sat in the chair next to the bed. "I had a lot of time to think yesterday, and it's not just what…you said. I was thinking about all of this before I got here. But…well, you hit the nail on the head last night. That stuff about forgetting? You were right." 

"I…I was?" Cordelia had scolded him for only being honest when he was evil. This was hardly a conversation he ever expected to have. 

Buffy nodded. "I've been trying really hard, Angel. Too hard. To forget. I got so caught up in trying to be normal that I've been ignoring everything that's really important to me. And you're one of those things." 

Angel sighed. "Buffy, please tell me we're not having this conversation. You know why I left. You should have something normal, even if you can't have everything. I get in the way of that." 

"No you don't!" Buffy began to argue, then sat back in her chair. "The truth is I came here for a specific reason, and you need to know that. I don't know what it changes, but…I remember, Angel. And I'm tired of forgetting." 

"You…remember?" Angel asked, blinking at her. She couldn't mean what he thought she did. 

"Yes, I remember," she said, smiling a bit wistfully. "I remember that you were human…what it felt like to be really together, and for the first time not have anything get in the way. And I remember that you gave it up…for me and for the world. And right now I'm more than a bit overwhelmed by it all." 

"You weren't supposed to remember," Angel whispered. 

"Well, I never was good at following the rules," Buffy replied flippantly, then instantly sobered. "I'm glad I remembered. That was a beautiful day. And it helped me realize that I've been spending too much time fooling myself. My *normal life* pales in comparison to what we had for twenty-four hours." 

"But we can't have it again," Angel said a touch bitterly. 

"I know," Buffy replied. "But maybe it's time we found something new between us, you and me." She sat forward again, that merry twinkle returning to her eyes. She rested her hand on top of the chains encasing him. "So how *did* you get into this situation, anyway?" 

Angel noticed her abrupt change of subject, but didn't comment. "You mean how did I get into a situation where an out-of-work actress could drug me to the point where my employees had to knock me out and chain me up to keep me from killing them?" 

"Yeah, that sums it up nicely." 

Angel looked at the ceiling, not meeting Buffy's gaze. "Short version is…I rescued her from a stalker. Except he wasn't a stalker - he was a publicity stunt to revitalize her career. Somewhere along the way she found out I was a vampire. When she didn't get the part, she decided that she…wanted to be young and beautiful forever." He tried not to let any emotion through. The thing was, immortality was one of those things that Angel wanted desperately to be rid of. Buffy was the only one who knew that. To have someone else *ask* for one of the very things that Angel despised in himself… She may not have known what it really meant to be a vampire, but her request had hurt in its own way. It had also been a betrayal of what Angel thought was a beginning friendship. 

"But Angel," Buffy said softly, "how did she get close enough to drug you? And how'd she do it without you noticing?" 

"She put it in the champagne," Angel muttered. 

"What? Champagne?" 

Angel finally looked at Buffy again. "She…said she wanted to thank me," he tried to explain. "She came over with champagne and…" He tried to think of what to say, what words were the right ones for the moment. Finally he took Cordelia's advice…and went for honesty. "I was lonely," he said. 

Buffy's mouth opened in a silent 'oh,' and she leaned further onto his chest. "Do you think, maybe, we could both stop the loneliness now?" she said softly. "I'd…I'd really like to try this *us* thing again." 

"I'd like that," Angel replied in the same soft tone. Buffy smiled very slightly and placed a hand on the side of his face. It sent a shock through him. Her eyes shown with something surpassing joy. He wanted to take her into his arms and hold her forever, but he was still bound. "Uh, could you…" 

Buffy's grin turned mischievous again and she leaned as far onto him as she could. He couldn't do anything to stop her if he'd wanted to. She pressed her lips to his in a kiss that started very gentle and became something more when he eagerly returned it. There was much about being with Buffy that he missed. There was her kindness, her friendship…and there was this. The taste of her, her warmth…It was positively electric. Barely past the decision to try and find some way to be together again, and already he could feel her down to his soul. 

When she pulled away they were both breathless. Buffy's eyes showed her delight. "Buffy," Angel whispered, then tried again. He couldn't seem to… "Buffy, I can't breathe." 

"I know," she whispered back. "When I'm with you…" 

"No," Angel gasped urgently. "I can't *breathe.*" The chains were impeding the movement of his chest…which usually wouldn't be a problem. "The chains, Buffy…" 

Buffy's eyes went very wide when she realized what he was saying. She didn't argue, though, but quickly went to undo his chains. When they wouldn't cooperate, she growled in frustration, grasped a section tightly and snapped it apart. The sudden release of tension made Angel gasp as his lungs suddenly filled with air. Buffy looked shocked, but she couldn't be more shocked than he was. Still, she said nothing as she continued to unwrap Angel's bindings. 

Finally Angel was free, and sat up, breathing deeply and rubbing his arms. "Whoa," he whispered to himself in shock. 

Buffy had moved to sit next to him on the bed. "Are you alright?" 

"Yeah," Angel said a touch breathlessly, "except I seem to have lost circulation in my arms." 

"Angel, you don't *have* circulation," Buffy said, bewildered. 

"I know," Angel agreed. 

Buffy took his hand, suddenly, and tried to check his wrist for a pulse. Angel could have told her his heart was beating - rather wildly, in fact. On a whim he reached out to touch the cross that hung from around Buffy's neck. He winced at the burning pain it gave him, and Buffy sudden jump told him that he'd vamped out in response. 

"Whoa," she whispered once he'd returned to normal. 

"Whoa indeed," Angel agreed. 

"What's going on?" they both asked at the same time, then chuckled weakly. There was a different sort of tension between them, one born of confusion. 

"This is too weird," Buffy said, reaching out to touch his face again. "You're cool, but not as cool as…" 

"As a vampire?" Angel asked softly. 

"Yeah," Buffy agreed. "This is *too* weird," she said again. 

Angel grinned, slightly amused by her shock. "You think this is weird for *you*?" 

Buffy smiled. "Gotcha," she agreed. "I wonder…" Then her expression turned bemused. She seemed to come to realization and stood suddenly. 

"Where are you going?" Angel asked, following her as she walked from the room. 

She turned and grinned at him. "Following up on a hunch," she said, picking up the phone. 

"Huh?" 

"I'm calling my roommate." 

* * *

Willow sat on the floor of her room for what seemed like an eternity after Tara left. She didn't go to put away any of the books or ritual supplies. She just sat and stared at the crystal, the center of the spell she and Tara had cast. 

When the crystal filled suddenly with light, Willow almost jumped. The glow faded but did not disappear completely and she smiled. She lifted the stone, cradling it in her palm and feeling its slight warmth. Ignoring the rest of the evening's mess, she went and sat down on her bed. The spell was complete. Now all that was left was to see if it worked. 

She didn't have to wait long. The phone rang about five minutes later and Willow picked it up before the first ring could finish. "Hey." 

Buffy chuckled on the other end. "That was fast. And perky, too. If I didn't know better I'd think you were waiting for me too call." There was a hint of a question in that last statement. 

"And if I was?" 

"Then I'd ask you what spells you've been playing with." 

Willow was grinning wildly and was glad that Buffy couldn't see her. "What makes you think I've been playing with spells?" 

"Willow…" Buffy's voice was kiddingly dangerous. 

"Alright," Willow said with a chuckle. "How are you guys doing? How…how's Angel?" 

"You did do this!" Buffy said suddenly. She didn't sound unhappy about that fact. 

Willow didn't deny it. "Are you going to tell me how Angel is?" When Buffy didn't respond quickly, she said, "I promise I'll explain everything in a minute. But I need to know if it worked like it was supposed to first." 

Buffy sighed. "Well, we were kissing. And then next thing I know Angel's breathing and has a heartbeat. Oh, but crosses still burn him and he vamped out." 

"Yes!" Willow suddenly cheered into the phone. Realizing she'd just yelled into Buffy's ear she apologized quickly. "Sorry. I just…this was a big spell and I wasn't sure it would work." 

"What exactly did you do?" Buffy asked finally. 

"Well, after you left I talked to Tara and decided to do something we should have done a long time ago - see if there was a way to fix Angel's curse. When we couldn't do that or find some way to bind his soul, we…worked around it. It was sort of Tara's idea, actually. Since a soul is automatically part of a living body, we…well, we sort of gave him magical CPR. We sort of used your life to jump start his." 

"What does that mean?" Buffy asked in a soft, hopeful tone. 

"He's…well, he's like a vampire with a human body. I don't know all of what it'll mean for him - I don't think this spell has ever been used this way before. I *think* he'll end up somewhere in between human and vampire - needing both blood and normal food, able to tolerate some sunlight…but he'll definitely still have his vampire strength and everything because his demon isn't going anywhere. But, um, neither is his soul. Actually, uh…physical contact will strengthen the spell," she finished, slightly embarrassed. 

There was a moment of silence on the other end. "Are you sure?" Buffy asked finally. 

"That was the whole point," Willow assured her. 

"I…uh…wow," Buffy stuttered. "Thank you." 

Willow chuckled. "You're welcome," she said, then yawned. She hadn't slept yet. "So, when are you coming back?" 

Buffy laughed lightly. "One thing at a time," she said. "I'm still sort of in shock here." 

"I can understand that," Willow said. "It's been a crazy day." 

"Only a day?" Buffy asked teasingly. "You sound tired. Get some rest. I'll call you later. And Willow?" 

"Yes?" 

"Thank you." 

* * *

Buffy hung up the phone slowly, all the time aware of Angel standing behind her. She said nothing for a long while, smiling to herself. 

"Well?" Angel said after a moment. His voice sounded like he was preparing for the worst. 

Buffy turned quickly and drew him into an embrace. She kissed him deeply, surprising him for a moment before he responded. She savored the warmth she felt, both from him and from her own heart. This was so incredibly *right.* 

He pulled away finally and she chuckled to see him breathless. "What was that for?" he asked. 

She smiled. "I am just *very* glad that I have a practicing spell-caster for a roommate. And that she's a hopeless romantic who decided we should live happily ever after together." 

"Oh really?" Angel asked, sounding amused. "What exactly did she do?" 

"Well," Buffy said with a grin, keeping her body pressed to him. "The short version is that your soul isn't going anywhere. We've already decided that we're back together and I think we're both deserving of some 'true happiness.' The long version can wait." She kissed him again, but briefly this time. 

"What about your boyfriend?" 

"I'll dump him," Buffy said matter-of-factly and tried to kiss him again. 

He avoided it briefly. "What about my job?" 

"I'll commute." 

Angel chuckled. "Has anyone ever told you that you're perfect?" 

"Angel," Buffy whined in exasperation. "Has anyone ever told you that you talk too much?" 

* * *

Willow leaned back on her bed, quite proud with herself. If all went well, and somehow she knew it would, she would have a much happier roommate returning from L.A. Well, whenever she returned. She doubted Buffy was in any hurry to leave Angel's side. 

As she rolled over to try and go to sleep, Willow glimpsed the spell crystal, glowing steadily in the darkened room. Somewhere down the hall a radio played a familiar song. Safe with the knowledge that some loves could last forever, Willow smiled and listened as she drifted off to sleep. 

_"I can feel the magic floating in the air   
Being with you gets me that way   
I watch the sunlight dance across your face and I, oh I've   
Never been this swept away. _

All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze   
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms   
The world just fades away and the only thing I hear   
Is the beating of your heart. 

And I can feel you breathe, it's washing over me   
Suddenly I'm melting into you   
There's nothing left to prove, baby all we need is just to be   
Caught up in the touch, the slow and steady rush   
And baby isn't that what love's supposed to be?   
I can feel you breathe   
Just breathe. 

In a way I know my heart is waking up   
As all the walls come tumbling down   
Closer than I've ever felt before and I know and you know   
There's no need for words right now. 

And I can feel you breathe, it's washing over me   
Suddenly I'm melting into you   
There's nothing left to prove, baby all we need is just to be   
Caught up in the touch, the slow and steady rush   
And baby isn't that what love's supposed to be?   
I can feel you breathe   
Just breathe. 

Caught up in the touch, the slow and steady rush   
And baby isn't that what love's supposed to be?   
I can feel you breathe   
Just breathe. 

I can feel the magic floating in the air   
Being with you gets me that way." 

   [1]: mailto:cynamin@hotmail.com



End file.
